A very redneck Christmas

Marilyn writes about her boss’s Christmas gift in her best imitation of redneck style.

As our admissions team considered a nice (or not-so-nice) Christmas present for our Director of Admissions, ideas flew through our office like reindeer on a mission! The result was the Ultimate Redneck Survival Kit, a gift we knew Gary would be so happy to receive. Not only did this gift have its hilarious aspects, most of the items were very practical, and they may become a lifesaver! As Tiffini and I put together this lovely gift set, our excitement grew. On the day we packaged the items, we were laughing so hard, we could hardly contain ourselves! (Yes, some people are easily entertained!) Of course, one needs the Ultimate Gift Box in which to place the lovely items. An old cardboard box with duck-taped edges came to our rescue! In Tiff’s best Redneck style, she wrote, “Redneck Survival Kit” on the side. Inside the box were some unusual gifts, each wrapped in their own special gift bag: a lovely brown paper lunch bag! Each gift came with a set of instructions, so that Gary could figure out how they were to be used. Hopefully, those in Redneck Land will appreciate Redneck Survival Kit instructions: A man who is outside in every kind of weather needs a Redneck Weather 4-Caster. We made it from a large block of wood with a twig duck taped to the side of it. We found some bright red yarn from Grandma’s sewing basket to hang from the twig. In our best Redneck handwriting, we listed possible 4-casts: *If yarn is swinging side to side, it’s WINDY. *If yarn is wet, it’s RAINING. *If yarn is white, it’s SNOWING. *If yarn is still, it’s STILL. *If yarn is gone, TAKE SHELTER! Yes ma’am, every Redneck needs one of those! Then you have the Redneck Wynd Chyme. Find an old board about 3 feet long, and gather those darn beer cans left in the yard from the last party there. Yessirree, then take some good ol’ wire and wrap three strands of it around the ol’ board. Then take those dirty ol’ beer cans and wrap the wire through the tabs. HEY, NOW, THAT’S ONE NICE WYND CHYME! Gary is quite the outdoorsman. He goes motorcycling in the summer and snowmobiling in the winter. We wanted to make sure that he was cared for on his outings. Every snowmobiler needs his own set of munchies. We found some Rodent Roughage that sure looked and tasted like those salted peanuts at the local farm stores. We came across some Reindeer Turdz that sure did look like chocolate-covered raisins. Then there was the all-important Fish Bate. That sure did look slimy, but it tasted just fine, kinda like those gummy worms the kids like to eat. Now Tiff is quite the city gal. So she found Gary some good ol’ sushi! Yessirree, she sure did! That was the best-tasting sushi I’d ever had. Kinda reminded me of sugarcoated gummy worms! I could eat quite a few of those myself! That Tiff was really a-thinkin’ about Gary’s safety out there in them bitter-cold mountains on that snowmobile, yessir. In case his brakes went out, she made an Emergency Snowmobile Brake. She found this red brick in her backyard, and tied some of that there bright red yarn around it. If Gary throws it out in the snow, hopefully the brick will catch something in a short time, maybe a tree root, and snowmobile will come to a screeching halt! Of course, a man could get lost in them there mountains on a snowy day. A Redneck GPS system sure could come in handy. This little bag contained what could be mistaken for sunflower seeds. The instructions said, “Leave a trail of these behind you so that you can find your way home. If the seeds are gone, hunt down that darn rodent who ate ’em and KILL him!” Oh there ya go! Sure ’nuff, no one should be without a good ol’ GPS. Of course, we all know Gary’s quite a b.s.-er. What snowmobiler isn’t?

We made him his very own B.S. Bag. The instructions on the little brown bag said, “When the B.S. starts to flow, blow into this bag. The B.S. makes good fertilizer. Spread it on your yard. Can be used around lawyers offices and political scenes as well.” Then we made B.S. Filters. They are to be used when the B.S. Bag just isn’t enough. This bag had little black pieces of what tasted like licorice. The idea is to blow through the little holes and then eat it. Oh my, that was one nice little gift. One day when we were looking around the office, we came upon a bunch of what appeared to be a stack of old wedding rings. As we wondered where on earth those came from, we realized that this Slinky-like gadget must be all Gary’s old wedding bands. Yessiree! So being the nice pals that we are, we put them in this box right where they belong! We also found some Lady Hookers. Yeesirree, you take a box of them there cute little candy canes and use ’em to hook you a gal!

And then we made up a document that Gary might need again one day. Yep, some Day-Vorce papers for ol’ Gary. Now that was quite the document. Instead of copying it all here, ask Gary to show you. You will enjoy it much more that way! So as I sign off from Redneck Land, I wish each of you a very Merry Christmas! As you work in your back yards this summer, keep in mind that many of the little things out there can be put to good use next Christmas! Everyone has a Redneck pal somewhere!