He leads me like a shepherd, Part II

Marilyn and Bruce after their wedding May 5, 1995.

Marilyn resumes her story from yesterday.

I can explain what happened during the wee hours of the next morning only by believing that it was the Holy Spirit’s move in my heart and in my life.

In the darkness of 4:30 a.m. the following day, I was awakened with a sense that I should call the hospital to check on Bruce’s status. But instead of listening immediately to that prick in my spirit, I began to pray for him, and lay awake going over the events of the past several weeks. The phone rang at 5 a.m. A nurse told me to come immediately to the hospital because “your husband is having a hard time breathing and we need you to come.”

As I arrived at the entrance of the hospital, Bruce’s doctor walked in with me. He said not a word, but walked hastily into the building. A nurse friend of mine met us at the door, grabbing my hand urgently. I could tell by the look on her face that something was terribly wrong. At that moment, Doctor told me that I must not go to Bruce’s room until he had seen what was going on there.

My friend led me to a waiting room, where she held my hand and stayed with me. Her face was filled with fear. We began to fervently pray aloud for God’s favor upon Bruce’s life, that he might be restored to complete healing. As tears streamed down our faces, I felt as if I’d been taken from my body. Nothing made sense. It was as if I was watching a movie screen and sobbing through the sad scenes.

Finally, Doctor came to the waiting room. He sat down, looked at the floor, shaking his head. My heart fell to my feet as he shared with me that he was not able to save my husband’s life. He shared with me that at 4:30 a.m. Bruce had begun to have chest pains and had called for assistance. Nursing staff immediately called Doctor and me. By the time Doctor arrived to his room, Bruce’s heart had quit beating. Nothing Doctor did revived it, though Doctor tried repeatedly to do so.

I believe it was at 4:30 a.m. that God sent the Holy Spirit to me to be my Comforter, my Peace, my Protector and my Guide, as He prepared the way for Bruce to go home. Not long after that, Bruce left this world and entered the Kingdom of Heaven, where he now lives forever in a totally new body!

At the moment Doc told me that my husband was not alive, I felt the arms of God surround my own body and soul. Even though I cried desperately and for what seemed an eternity, my heavenly Father held me throughout the entire process. I never lost my sense of direction, of knowing what I needed to do next. I was never in a state of confusion or doubt. Even though I felt like my heart had a huge hole in it that would never be repaired, I knew in an instant that I was not alone. Even though I shed hundreds of buckets of tears, I found an inner strength in me that I never knew existed.

I was heartbroken as I walked out of the hospital toting my husband’s personal belongings with me. It was almost unbearable to bring his shoes, his clothes, his glasses, his wedding ring, home in my hands, leaving his body behind.

As my brother and family drove me home, I watched the cars that we passed on the streets. People were going to work, taking their kids to school, just going about their everyday lives, while my life had just been turned upside down and inside out! It seemed so odd to me that the world was still turning all around me! A gorgeous fall day surrounded me with a crispness in the air mixed with that comforting warmth mixed in.

Entering my home that morning was truly like being in another scene of that same movie. All of a sudden, the house was ominously quiet and still. Nothing moved, nothing made a sound. The house was empty with the knowledge in my heart that my husband would never set foot in our home again. I was here alone from now on.

I would never walk out of our bedroom to see him watching TV or reading on the couch. I would never hear the sound of the shower running while making breakfast. I would never walk into the back yard to find him tinkering on something. I would never see him mowing the lawn again or painting the house eaves or changing oil in the driveway.

As I put Bruce’s belongings on our bed, I walked through my home sobbing. All my family was sobbing: Mom, Dad, Brother. We had lost our husband, our son, our brother, our friend. All our shared memories came flooding back in droves as we each handled our own grief.

Soon my home was brimming with friends, family and food. Our beloved pastor was with me from the moment the doctor had given me the unbearable news until some time late into the evening hours. He held our hands, hugged us, loved us and talked with each visitor who graced my door that day. I remember feeling so much love from so many people during that time, that it amazed me. The phone must have rang for days with wonderful people who wanted to know they loved me and my family.

Bruce’s family arrived and plans began to arrange the funeral service. This was to be no ordinary funeral service. This was a celebration of Bruce’s life and his move from this old earth to his new home in his mansion in heaven!

Many stories were told about Bruce at the celebration of his life. Tears and laughter were mixed together into one praise and worship service! Bruce’s life on earth was a testimony of his love for his Heavenly Father, and we celebrated that fact during that service.

Then there were the butterflies. Yes, the day of Bruce’s funeral, no matter where I walked, where I stood, there were butterflies. It seemed as if they followed me wherever I went throughout that entire day. I smiled as I noticed that. My heart ached for my beloved husband, but it also rejoiced in knowing where he was at that moment. As I watched the butterflies fluttering around me, I knew Bruce was in peace and in a place where I’ll again see him one day.

At the cemetery all of our friends and family members joined me in letting go of balloons. I stood and watched as they sailed through the sky until I could no longer see them. As my heart was broken into tiny shreds, I knew then that my life would never be the same. I also knew then that my faith would be grounded, once and for all, in Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior.

As I look back on those last days with Bruce, I feel so blessed that they were made so special for me. I believe God planned it to be that way. I believe that God was preparing me for the heartache which was only days away. He was blessing me with great memories of a deep love that I shared with this man whom He would remove from my life soon. God granted me a short 6½ years with this man. A short time, really. But in those short years, Bruce and I lived life to the full! We were almost inseparable and were truly best friends. We shared our deepest dreams, hopes and fears. We were truly content with one another. Our friends said we were like peanut butter and jelly. You can’t have one without the other!

My life has changed drastically and dramatically since Oct. 3, 2001. I am not the same person I was then. God has done some miraculous things in my life these past seven years and I’m sure he’s not done yet! I thank God for those six short years He loaned Bruce to me. I learned so much from Bruce about how to live my daily life and how to be a strong, knowledgeable woman of God. I have no regrets. God has shown me that He is in control of our every breath: we just think we are. We are not. It’s His decision when we stop breathing. He made us, He will remove us from this earth when His time is right. Nothing we can do will keep that from happening. Being the controlling type person that I am, I’ve become very aware that I’m not as in control of things as I think I am.

As I reflect on the precious days I spent with Bruce before he was taken to his new home, my heart still aches for him. In my mind’s eye, I can still see him so precisely, so exactly the way he was during those last few days of his life. I can walk through my house and yard and see where he has left his touch. The old saying, “You truly don’t know what you have until it’s gone” rings true for me. I knew our marriage, love and friendship were very special, but did not know the depth of that fact until I no longer had that relationship.

This time of the year is now so bittersweet for me. I have come to love fall more than any other season of the year. The fall colors are brighter now, the sky bluer and clearer, the air full of scents that seep into my nostrils so deeply I’ll never forget them. And my heart is filled to overflowing with life and thanksgiving to my Lord and Savior. Life is no longer the same. I don’t take myself nearly as seriously as I once did, yet I take love and life’s special moments much more seriously. I know first-hand that life can be right-side up one minute and upside down the next. I know that I have very little control over things I think I should have, that Someone much larger and stronger than me has those details taken care of. I have learned how to let go of things that just don’t matter and to focus on things and relationships that are much more important.

If I were to share one life lesson I’ve learned while walking through the past seven years without my companion by my side, it would be this: Don’t take life for granted. Don’t think of yourself as invincible. Don’t think you have it all under control.

And the hugest prayer I could ever pray is this: That everyone who reads this would acknowledge the One who is larger than you. The One who has all the answers, holds the universe in the span of His hand, and He wants YOU to come home to HIM when it’s your time to leave this old world behind.